Making space for change

Making space for change - this to me is about examination. I know that doing a lot of great things or projects or whatever would probably enhance my life in some way, but I rarely actually make the space that allows for proper examination of such doings. What does it take to actually do these things. Well, take a moment to get out of the daily grind and just do it. So often, I am like - "well, too bad, I guess I can't do that today because I have to go to yoga because I do that at this time everyday. Or, I'll just watch this movie instead." I am running away from further examination. Why? I have barely started reading Douglas Brook's book on the Bhagavad Gita; so, the battlefield is on my mind. The territory that we are not used to examining, well, this could be like a battlefield. We really don't know what it is going to be like. The unknown is scary, but it is not ever going to go away - EVER. Take a deep breath, get your bearings and go in. Is this what practice is? - going into the unknown and examining time and time again? I think that sometimes I get practice confused with just doing the same asana or trying to meditate 5 minutes a day and know that - "well, I tried - moving on." This is not practice, it's going through the motions. It's a sham. I think it's natural for this to happen sometimes, but can we get back into the practice of examination? Can I make space?

Hmmm, I found you on a bored day at work.

So, this has been on my mind - it's all in my mind. I am the world - so are you and you and you; I am you; you are me. Just by existing in any form is a form of contraction - existence in a contracted state. We need all of these mirrors to expose sides of our contracted forms - how many contracted reflections does it take to see ultimate reality?

I need money to go to massage shcool and live in a mountain laid back town. Can I manifest this?

I like what my friend was talking to me about last night. She says - you never know what's around the corner. Things can change in a split second. The only thing that stays the same is that everything is always changing. Is God change? My friend was saying to be excited about what could be just around the corner. I liked this b/c it makes NOW easier to be in.

Heart attack

So, I'm too flexible and can't listen to my own boundaries - therefore, I have to create them - huge revelation. Anyhoo, I'll make this fast - a new friend was telling me about something big that had happened in her life the other day. Someone special from her past had called her to tell her that he had always loved her, and now more than ever - what she was communicating to me was that he had realized something about his past and had finally reached the point of acceptance, which freed up some space in him to feel love - true love, not some concocted needy version of love- for the person that had compensated for his feelings of misunderstanding of the person who's purpose is to communicate love with you. His realization freed her - a knot untied - clogged - a clogged blood vessel will cut circulation through the entire body. When her friend unknotted this significant situation in his life - he was able to have clarity about the relationship he had had with my friend. We are all drawn to each other for many times reasons that we are unclear. It's like instructions that we can fold up and put away in a drawer. when it's time to understand why? - we find ourselves opening up that drawer and being perceptive to those instructions. when we can free ourselves of the deception that we have lived and created in relationships, then we are thus freeing the related persons involved in the situation too. That one clogged vessel in the body becomes our death - being the clogged vessel in human connection.

Ouch, my back - to yoga

Since the move, my yoga practice has been frantic - a downward spiral. I've been eager - overly eager to do that greedy kind of yoga. I've known that it's wrong - I know better. Well, I guess I would not have noticed it as much - I'm comparing this to an injury, a spiritual or truth injury. My injury has brought me closer to the truth - back to the path that brings me more within the rhealm (?) of awareness. I went to some hot yoga classes that I thought were really stupid. They were so wrong for me. My back is aching. I 've been ignoring the pain and doing things with my body driven my ego that is making the pain worse and worse. Tonight with Mitra, a wise, wise teacher, whose words I feel so strongly - she generously explained to me that I am hyper-flexible. This is in life and yoga practice - "Life is yoga," she said. A huge lump got in my throat when she told me that I was too flexible with the people in my life. She explained that I will bend over backwards for them. I realized that this is true. In my yoga practice, I have to create my own boundaries b/c my body does not know them. I have to stop before the sensation, or the sensation will injure me. What feels good is too far. I am realizing that I have no boundaries in life. I do let others be my boundaries. I am so glad I have found Mitra. She has brought me back to yoga tonight.

Make the list and then forget about it. . . .

haaaaah, I'm just here. I am going to start, oh, one of these, yes. . . No, 'seriously,' I'm going to start doing the things that I know will make me feel life more. This default setting has got to stop before it becomes an unnoticeable habit. I turn to videos and planning and drinking - when I don't want to confront life - take on the 'issues' that life is presenting to me - those that I am - my 'higher' self is seeking and manifesting in my life. I have a to-do list; I'll start making it now.
1. Make Alex's birthday hat and get him a brown Snuffles. I almost cried today at work thinking about not being able to visit the kids as much. I wanted to seek into myself away from my family - I know that made little sense.
2. Make Dave and Jessica a flower pot and buy rose seeds.
3. Make art - that peice about the roots - and more peices.
4. Practice
5. Get that money back from the phone guy

Oh, haaaah, I just started thinking about bills again. This is a cycle that can also become an unnoticeable habit. When we begin to allow the ego - our fears - our means of escaping reality - to cycle again and again, we become stressed. Stress blinds us. Stress leaves us with little room to experience. Instead, each passing moment - is passing and it is making us more stressed out about the stress that we have - that we are identifying with ourselves. This is not us. This is a means of escapism. We become unhealthy, diseased, only seeking instant pleasures. This hell to me. I'll hike again this weekend. I can't wait to do art. There is a yoga book that I am going to look for too. Good company.

Last night, I may have realized that Keith is done with. Or, some things came up. old things that happened. I'm a little confused about what I remembered. It was very unpleasant. All I can think is, " I can't beleive that he did that to me." But, I did it to me. I think I might be over this and just indulging a bit.
I just got a text from a friend back 'home'. I'm a little releived that i'm not there - getting wasted beyond any sort of clarity. I'm glad I'm not drinking much at all. I was telling one of my friends the other day, one of my favorite friends- that I feel like everything I've been cultivating my entire life, I feel like is now beginning to express itself, or manifest what i am seeking - that which i will never find, but damnit! I know it and long for it. what is life without this longing. I feel like now that i have moved and nobody knows here - there's nothing to hide from - there never was, but it feels easier to feel this now. There's nothing to be scared of. This morning in the car, I heard the U2 song - 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I got choked up. Life is bittersweet. It takes courage to live life in search of something that might not ever be found. Life is the search. This exploration - having the courage to get lost - mind-blown - again and again. Sweet dreams to me. Tomorrow is Halloween at work!

Pointless Hike

THe last entry, I really was not all that inspired. I am in a very new place - living a new life. I can see myself distracting away from discipline - the disciplined life. I keep thinking about someone in the town that I just moved from. Am I thinking of this person because I am avoiding myself? Or, do I really want to be around this person? I can see at times that my mind goes there when it is defaulting, but I don't really think that this is always the case. I was on a hike yesterday, having a hard time getting time out of mind. I keep getting moments of extreme frustration - this happened many times on the hike. I went with the intention of making it to the top - about a 3 hour hike - no big deal. I'll get a great workout. My mind was focused on the top. I was not experiencing the now. why this destination, this final point? I am living life as one point to the next - not a continuous line - circle - spiral. I want my spiral to move up or further into the center or - ? In the infinite - I try to find an end. There are no points connecting - pointless. No progression, no regression, just experience. I kept noticing that I was not experiencing and was preoccupied with the end of this hike - on to the next thing, and then the next thing . . . I began to notice nature a bit more. I was thinking about what this wonderful yoga teacher had said that morning. I felt like she was saying it to me; she even patted me on the thigh when she said it - "You have to learn to relax." She said this as we were in a restorative version of halasana with our legs propped up on a chair. She explained that it usually takes us at least a minute or so to begin to relax into this pose, so, we need to hold it for at least few minutes. I was thinking this about nature. Living in the city, surrounded by so many people and sharp angles of building and fast moving cars and . . . ............ It takes us some time to wind down from this and really be in nature - with nature. It's difficult to see that we are nature - we are divine - when we become used to a synthetic form of it. I am not at all saying that 'synthetic' mean unnatural. It is a processed form of nature - one that we have processed - played the God part. This is not bad, I'm just saying that we need to give ourselves time to experience and dissolve into the unprocessed nature. There were a few moments during my hike, when I began to dissolve for breif moments before i was drawn back into my habitual state of time and relavency. I decided that I was not going to make it to the top. I felt like this was almost to spite myself. I would turn around at the spot that felt right. I found it and hung out for a bit. I listened to the sounds of the Earth communicating with itself. I breathed with it.
The way down was not as peaceful as one would maybe think after, I am making fun of myself here, breathing with nature. My ego loves to think it is enlightened. What stands out about the way down though, is this tree I saw. It had one root in the ground, and when it came from the ground, it bowed way out in two - it made an oval shape, and then it met up again and sprouted delightfully up into the sky. I immediately thought of the person that I was speaking of at the beginning of this blog. I pictured everyone that we ever encounter - the world - humanity - existence, having one root that connects us all, but a handful of people in our lives sprout up in a more unified way than we do with the rest. Perhaps I am super naive, but I imagined me and this person right now making the oval - our root system, our sprout can only grow up in this way if we are apart for some time. We need this time to flourish and sprout up together. I am going to draw this. Oh, it feels good to be back.

Inter-connected

So, I'm just going to write a short bit to get reconnected with this blog. I moved and just got the internet. I'm dying to go hiking with my dog. The move has not been so bad - although, I do feel somewhat isolated. This is good for me. I've been living with people in the same house for the past year, so, it is only natural that I am going through withdrawals. I am also going through happy hour and party withdrawals, but I did want to be isolated from that type of living. I wanted to become more connected with my spiritual progression. Since I"ve moved here, I have realized that I am super close to many yoga studios, and a Zen meditation is a 3 minute walk away. I live alone, so reading and art can be done in peace. I've been socially expanding in the party scene for a while now, it is now time to go inward. I know that sounded retarded. I feel myself having moments of panic - I think this is me resisting change. Change hurts. This is a gift.