Make the list and then forget about it. . . .

haaaaah, I'm just here. I am going to start, oh, one of these, yes. . . No, 'seriously,' I'm going to start doing the things that I know will make me feel life more. This default setting has got to stop before it becomes an unnoticeable habit. I turn to videos and planning and drinking - when I don't want to confront life - take on the 'issues' that life is presenting to me - those that I am - my 'higher' self is seeking and manifesting in my life. I have a to-do list; I'll start making it now.
1. Make Alex's birthday hat and get him a brown Snuffles. I almost cried today at work thinking about not being able to visit the kids as much. I wanted to seek into myself away from my family - I know that made little sense.
2. Make Dave and Jessica a flower pot and buy rose seeds.
3. Make art - that peice about the roots - and more peices.
4. Practice
5. Get that money back from the phone guy

Oh, haaaah, I just started thinking about bills again. This is a cycle that can also become an unnoticeable habit. When we begin to allow the ego - our fears - our means of escaping reality - to cycle again and again, we become stressed. Stress blinds us. Stress leaves us with little room to experience. Instead, each passing moment - is passing and it is making us more stressed out about the stress that we have - that we are identifying with ourselves. This is not us. This is a means of escapism. We become unhealthy, diseased, only seeking instant pleasures. This hell to me. I'll hike again this weekend. I can't wait to do art. There is a yoga book that I am going to look for too. Good company.

Last night, I may have realized that Keith is done with. Or, some things came up. old things that happened. I'm a little confused about what I remembered. It was very unpleasant. All I can think is, " I can't beleive that he did that to me." But, I did it to me. I think I might be over this and just indulging a bit.
I just got a text from a friend back 'home'. I'm a little releived that i'm not there - getting wasted beyond any sort of clarity. I'm glad I'm not drinking much at all. I was telling one of my friends the other day, one of my favorite friends- that I feel like everything I've been cultivating my entire life, I feel like is now beginning to express itself, or manifest what i am seeking - that which i will never find, but damnit! I know it and long for it. what is life without this longing. I feel like now that i have moved and nobody knows here - there's nothing to hide from - there never was, but it feels easier to feel this now. There's nothing to be scared of. This morning in the car, I heard the U2 song - 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I got choked up. Life is bittersweet. It takes courage to live life in search of something that might not ever be found. Life is the search. This exploration - having the courage to get lost - mind-blown - again and again. Sweet dreams to me. Tomorrow is Halloween at work!

Pointless Hike

THe last entry, I really was not all that inspired. I am in a very new place - living a new life. I can see myself distracting away from discipline - the disciplined life. I keep thinking about someone in the town that I just moved from. Am I thinking of this person because I am avoiding myself? Or, do I really want to be around this person? I can see at times that my mind goes there when it is defaulting, but I don't really think that this is always the case. I was on a hike yesterday, having a hard time getting time out of mind. I keep getting moments of extreme frustration - this happened many times on the hike. I went with the intention of making it to the top - about a 3 hour hike - no big deal. I'll get a great workout. My mind was focused on the top. I was not experiencing the now. why this destination, this final point? I am living life as one point to the next - not a continuous line - circle - spiral. I want my spiral to move up or further into the center or - ? In the infinite - I try to find an end. There are no points connecting - pointless. No progression, no regression, just experience. I kept noticing that I was not experiencing and was preoccupied with the end of this hike - on to the next thing, and then the next thing . . . I began to notice nature a bit more. I was thinking about what this wonderful yoga teacher had said that morning. I felt like she was saying it to me; she even patted me on the thigh when she said it - "You have to learn to relax." She said this as we were in a restorative version of halasana with our legs propped up on a chair. She explained that it usually takes us at least a minute or so to begin to relax into this pose, so, we need to hold it for at least few minutes. I was thinking this about nature. Living in the city, surrounded by so many people and sharp angles of building and fast moving cars and . . . ............ It takes us some time to wind down from this and really be in nature - with nature. It's difficult to see that we are nature - we are divine - when we become used to a synthetic form of it. I am not at all saying that 'synthetic' mean unnatural. It is a processed form of nature - one that we have processed - played the God part. This is not bad, I'm just saying that we need to give ourselves time to experience and dissolve into the unprocessed nature. There were a few moments during my hike, when I began to dissolve for breif moments before i was drawn back into my habitual state of time and relavency. I decided that I was not going to make it to the top. I felt like this was almost to spite myself. I would turn around at the spot that felt right. I found it and hung out for a bit. I listened to the sounds of the Earth communicating with itself. I breathed with it.
The way down was not as peaceful as one would maybe think after, I am making fun of myself here, breathing with nature. My ego loves to think it is enlightened. What stands out about the way down though, is this tree I saw. It had one root in the ground, and when it came from the ground, it bowed way out in two - it made an oval shape, and then it met up again and sprouted delightfully up into the sky. I immediately thought of the person that I was speaking of at the beginning of this blog. I pictured everyone that we ever encounter - the world - humanity - existence, having one root that connects us all, but a handful of people in our lives sprout up in a more unified way than we do with the rest. Perhaps I am super naive, but I imagined me and this person right now making the oval - our root system, our sprout can only grow up in this way if we are apart for some time. We need this time to flourish and sprout up together. I am going to draw this. Oh, it feels good to be back.

Inter-connected

So, I'm just going to write a short bit to get reconnected with this blog. I moved and just got the internet. I'm dying to go hiking with my dog. The move has not been so bad - although, I do feel somewhat isolated. This is good for me. I've been living with people in the same house for the past year, so, it is only natural that I am going through withdrawals. I am also going through happy hour and party withdrawals, but I did want to be isolated from that type of living. I wanted to become more connected with my spiritual progression. Since I"ve moved here, I have realized that I am super close to many yoga studios, and a Zen meditation is a 3 minute walk away. I live alone, so reading and art can be done in peace. I've been socially expanding in the party scene for a while now, it is now time to go inward. I know that sounded retarded. I feel myself having moments of panic - I think this is me resisting change. Change hurts. This is a gift.

Connected to All

So, it's been awhile, but I'm back. I'm moving to albuquerque in 3 days and so excited! So much has been going through my mind - trying to squeeze in all goodbyes.
Something clicked for me the other day. I've been thinking a lot about the way that we are tied to people telepathically. Once someone has been in our lives, we are different from that experience. They are too. It's like - how I can feel when past boyfriend is doing well - you know it. I can feel when he is not doing well. Now is made up of all of my experiences, so, the ones that I have had with all people are comprising my Now. I'm really getting stuck here. The other day it just so smoothly came out! Where are you? My friend was telling me about a past relationship she was in, and I was talking about how we cannot move on until the other person does too. When one person has not fully resolved a relationship, I believe that no matter how hard we try, we might be sooo ready to move on, but if that other person is not, we can't. If the experience is shared, it is the 2 of you (really the same) that are creating the experience. We live our lives after the experience differently than we would had we never had it. I picture an experience happening and the emotional reaction creating a string between the 2 or more people that experienced it together. We go through our lives, we may move or do whatever, but these strings will not be disconnected. The shared experience is affecting the future experiences of the these people and all people that they share more experiences with. When negativity is not removed - holding on to the past - the person on the other end feels this as if it were their own. Although, the string is never disconnected, there comes a time when - hopefully - the negativity is removed = love, and we are no longer bound to this experience. What was hard becomes soft. We no longer react to the past, which takes us out of the now, of love, we blend this experience into our lives - smoothe.