Alone?

I've said before that I've felt like I was alone. I am beginning to think however, that this is not the case at all. Thinking that I am alone seems indulgent to me. I can only be alone with all parts of my existance, this universe, the stillness. When I am alone with the stillness of the universe, the realization of the this creation, which I beleive will be unfolding endlessly, I am filled with love. I think of some wonderful Leonard Cohen lines, one being, "When you're not feeling holy, your lonliness says that you've sinned." The lonliness that I am talking about here is not really loneliness at all. How can one feel lonely in the divine presence of the universe? My lonliness if full. When my ego is lonely, I create self-pity. I am dragging through an endless dessert, the world collapsing on me, the full weight of the world that I am trying to drag. What I am wondering though, is how to switch a person to be free of this weight - the lonely kind of loneliness - the self-created loneliness, to the full, loving kind.

Light = Lightness

I went to a yoga workshop this weekend, an Anusara - flowing with Grace, one. The lady who led it is an amazing practitioner. She travels all over sharing and healing. She said that when something chaotic or "bad" happens to a yogi, they can recover from it quickly because they are more and more aware of their center. This is the practice of yoga - uniting with the divine - the higher, magnificently intelligent self. When we feel this connection with the divine, the misfortunes that arise in our lives that do make us a bit wobbly around our center are not as jolting. As yogis, we are practicing to make our centers brighter, more apparent. It is not possible for the ego to take over for long when the core of us - the universe - outshines the ego. Our universal glow - intelligence knows better. The ego dissolves. At times, I've been a little turned off by the cultish attitude that the Anusara method seems to have, but I am finding that it is beautifully creative. Creativity is the result of freedom. The principles of the Anusara method give the practitioner freedom. I have felt it and seen it over and over again. The method connects the universe to the body. We can access freedom through our bodies - our minds will inevitably become free too. I know this may sound crazy, but this method truely is capable of greatly increasing human awareness and consciousness. We have bodies that were designed with nature. So, this is a key for us. It's super exciting! There are universal principles of alignment in Anusara that are basically instructions on aligning our bodies. It is so much easier to meditate - empty the mind and become free! - when our spines are aligned. I am not saying at all that it is not possible to meditate without a straight spine. Anybody can meditate. Our spine is like our universal story - evolution. Our chakras align with the spine. The basic chakras define our elemental stages of evolution. When we get up to the heart, we are approaching love - true, pure love. Our hearts want to be wide open, but this is not possible until we have the lower parts of the spine aligned. Don't ignore pain anymore. This is our guide to unraveling our bodily story, the heaviness in our lives. Why continue carrying this pain? We don't have time for this. More next time.

Random? ( ), ', & CAPITALIZATIONS

So, I was talking to a beautiful friend today about an experience I had at a meditation workshop several months ago, and I realized something. The term "realized" seems to lose its impact so easily, but acknowledging the nature of reality is a huge deal, even if it is something of the past. We do have a memory. Realizing something of the past can change our perspective on past events even when we have already reacted to them, which has infinite impacts on the reality of the Now. Anyhoo, I could go on rambling there, or here, for an eternity more. I'll get back to the reason why I believe I began writing THIS blog. I was telling my friend about how throughout the workshop we were meditating for periods much longer than I was used to. We would sit for some period of time, God knows I tried to (my ego) figure how long but never could, figure out how long we were sitting, and then we would walk meditating for what felt like about 10 minutes. We alternated between the 2 for 2-3 hours each day of the weekend. Towards the end of the 3? hours, the sits would either feel like an eternity of an approaching bliss (ha ha, my ego just would not die) or an eternity of misery - holy fuck! When is this going to end?! (But what comes after that?). Waiting (I mean, observing) for the bell to ring to conclude our session. One lady left the room and never came back (damn, I wish I had let my ego surrender enough to get the hell out of my mind, I mean, the room). I was telling my friend about how this lady left, and that I feel like everyone in the room felt the same wave of relief - like "Oh, thank God, it was not just me, but I'm so glad that I was actually able to stay in the room (in my thoughts - in my ego). We were/are still confused about the nature of reality - but "hey," says my ego, "at least we were able to stay in the room." So, as I was telling my friend about the difficulties of this experience, it became clear to me that, in a "place" of nothing, there is nothing to grasp on to. I so desperately wanted to know what time it was. How long had I been sitting? Perhaps this would reveal to me a pattern to try and figure out how many more times this repetition of sitting and walking meditation would occur. But, what good would this do for me? For my experience? Even, for my ego? Even if I could just begin to make out the numbers on the timekeeper's watch or the minute hand on the watch of the guy 3 rows in front of me, either way, I don't know what is going to happen next? What if we are here all day!? I think terrified. What if it is a big joke; there is no lecturer - or, he'll come, but it will just be for the last few minutes. You know what - you might as well just forget about it - you do not know when this seat will "end," so, just be here now, expanding with each exhale. When we are feeling confined within the ego - the boundaries of reality (reality has NO boundaries), we grasp onto things -time. If only I knew what time it was, I could create a false reality around what THAT time means to me? I could create a time when it 'ends.' I COULD CREATE A TIME WHEN THIS REALITY ENDS. Oh, thank god, I don't have to be present for reality anymore. Wait, but if I am creating when time ends, then I am playing the part of God. Wake the fuck up! You are alone but do not call the shots. You are living your existence as a co-creation with the divine. When you grasp onto to bullshit - the ego - you are denying your divine potential. It is impossible to align more with the divine with a grasping mentality - how else do we overcome our fears - our habits? Our grasp becomes so tight, that we are forced to loosen it more and more and more . . . What are we holding onto; what is holding onto the other end? The rope makes a circle.

9-9-09

So today was alive- 9-9-09. An old friend of mine texted me that it was this today - a friend who is not concerned with numerology, but one that has played a recent impact in my life lately. I've felt like telling a lot to her lately. I was intrigued of the 3 9s, so, I did a quick google of 9. I found info that was perfectly fitting. 9, according to the random website that I decided to go with, is a universal number - it has universal - all-inclusive impacts. 3x3. 9 is the last of the last. You know, I did not realize that I had just written "of the last." My mind is racing so fast. I think that I am looking for too much meaning. It's time to just live.
I got a nice foot massage. Our feet are being neglected. After the foot massage, my feet felt disconnected from my body - like they were floating. This happens frequently with my hands. Yes, it's time to just live. God bless

Compassion

I'm longing for compassion. I'm beginning the approach the issue of death - I don't like calling death an issue. I think me saying that clarifies where I stand on the matter of death. I just came back from a nursing home, where I decided to go weekly. I am longing for a resident to pour out to me about their fears of death. What are they going through? How does it feel? Today was my first time to go alone - not with my work, and one lady was telling me about how she was about to go visit her roommate - her best friend - even closer than her sister. Her friend was not doing well. As she told me about her friend, my eyes swelled up and I felt the compassion, it was a relief, a moment of connection. I am almost being selfish about it, I feel. I guess that I need to go and get to know the residents and just talk with them, which I did do, with my dog. They loved her. People would perk up as soon they saw her. Penelope was great with them. Sorry for this flighty entry. I am excited about my yoga class tonight at 6:30 pm.

Love and the higher purpose

I'm still trying to find the right words for what my last blog was about. When we hear people say that they wish they could take back something that has happened - this is denying God. I rarely think that we are immediately ready or able to see the love that a so-called bad situation can bring to our lives. We cannot see how that experience aligns with the divine - how can that experience make me more connected to my purpose? When we are able to feel the love that the experience has given us, we can then easily connect this to our greater purpose. If another person is involved in the experience, when we find this love, we free them of the bounds of entrapment as well. Some experiences are so devastating that they make lifetimes to uncover their love. Love is the only way to become more aligned with the higher purpose. Seek it, long for it - what else are we here for?

Long drives are therapeutic

I went to visit my parents the weekend. I had an experience that stirred my emotions big-time. As I was taking the 4 hour drive back to my home, I was crashing pretty hard, focused solely on the downward spiral of my emotions. Suddenly I realized that I would not have traded the experience that I had. I felt joy and love and gratitude for having the experience. I see it more clear now. I remember when I was at a meditation workshop, and we were sitting around in a circle discussing various things about our experiences of meditation. A beautiful clear blue-eyed girl shares with everyone that the previous day her husband had told her that he wanted a divorce. She explained that years or even months ago - without a meditation practice, she would have canceled her trip and spent days curled up on the floor in deep dispair - and much more. She explained that this news was really upsetting to her, and for a few hours, she did remain curled up on the floor, but then she realized that moment. She explained that the deeper her meditation practice is, the shorter period of time there is between the dreaded experience and the realization of the moment - the ego. I thought this was really beautiful, and when I thanked her for her sharing, I had to hold back tears - she was so honest.

While I was making the trip back home today, I stopped at a gas station mid-point. After having this realization in the car, I went in the station, and it was amazing. When I walked in, I heard someone saying, "I'll keep a smile no matter how bad things get." Everyone in the station was so genuinely loving. As I was waiting in line, I heard a man say, "I'm doin good, I woke up this morning." He wasn't sarcastic how he said this, he really meant it. I could not help but smile in this place. It was full of warmth.

Tapped in

I'm really just kind of waiting for the universe to tell me what to do. I know this sounds cheesy, but I really believe this. I think that we are all kind of working together in this game, but we are not always aware that we are not competing, we're all trying move forward on the game board - cliche analogy, but oh well, it makes so much sense. I have not been able to find a job in the field that I have an education in - nutrition. Why should I not have this job right now, I don't know, but I am getting really excited and passionate about teaching yoga. I have not known that all of the jobs I have applied for and all of the interviews that I've had were not going to result in a job, but maybe there is something much greater informing us on our decisions. I doubt that the people that have interviewed me have known my highest possible path, but something made them not hire me. I am saying that everything is exactly the way it should be, and everything is not at all that way. I'm thinking of a scenario like the Enron mishap or something like that. Someone who ignores that gut feeling over and over again, it's like they've forced so much energy to go against their current, a short develops in their universal cord, and then they're off, off in dangerous territory. But, the time will come when the short causes a huge fire. I think this fire can burn for lifetimes or for an instant. So, something always pulls us back to the collective view. I feel good about my direction, for the first time ever. I am not fighting as much anymore; I am being carried. I will continue to give my trust to you - here I go. . .

September 2, 2009

I had a rather strange morning. I woke up early and took Penelope for a run around the river, and then I met an old man to meditate. I felt kind of weird about it, but I thought, no, I should not turn away a chance to possibly learn something from someone. I should have trusted my gut. He wanted to meditate by looking into each other's eyes. I did years ago with my ex-boyfriend, but never with anyone else. Anyhow, I decided to give another shot, and immediately, I could tell that he was feeling romantic about it. I kept trying to communicate to him that this was about meditation and nothing more. He did not get it. I am thinking if I ever do this again it will be only with a woman. I feel that feelings of romanticism completely defeat the purpose of meditation - to clear the mind, or at least that is my intention to meditate. I was passing really negative feelings to him and he was not communicating this understanding. I think there is a large difference between a lover and a spiritual companion. A lover can also be a spiritual companion, but it is in a different way than the spiritual companion that is a friend. I'm having a bit of hard time saying this how I am feeling it, or I guess, I'm trying to straighten it out. Anywho, this was a lesson that I needed. Every moment is a gift from the guru.

Last night, I went to my friend's yoga class, and this is a friend that I have shared tons of yoga with; so, we feel the same ways about a lot of things. Everything she said hit the spot. Her theme was self-love. Awhile back I read one of my teacher's books, who, like me, has struggled with self-love in the form of an anacceptance of body image. Anyway, she describes a time in her life during which she asks for self-love. She describes seeing a strong athletic woman fighting like mad to get through a cycling class, and rather than reacting to her how she normally would have - wow, that woman is so toned; I want to look like her. Instead she thought that the woman looked too hard. I just said all of that horribly, and did not give the wonderful author justice. Anyway, what I am getting at is that she sent out a message to the universe, a reflection of herself, and she got it. Her belief about body shapes and sizes began to change. This is not something that can happen by thinking a rationalizing. It's really hard to think positively about our bodies living in the US. The US mind has become so disconnected from the Earth and Universe - God, that we are now over-obsessing about how to be normal again. There comes a point in the collective conscious, like any mind, when it says, I've had it! I feel horrible and I need to make a change. In the US, this is happening in so many ways. Diet pills, weight loss shows, obsession with food, tons of weight loss gimics - we're trying to come back to balance, but we've gotten so out of balance. We need to come back to Earth. Eat seasonal vegetables. We've grown so much corn and soy and processed them in so many ways. We've gotten fat. What about the other vegetables and fruits? Anyway, I went off a huge confusing tangent.

One last thing. Last night in the class, my friend said something that I really connected with. We were in double pigeon, and she said - how do you feel right now? Are you waiting for this to be over, are you dreading this experience? Is this how you view life? Do you dread life? Be in double pigeon - experience it like you want to experience life.
This made me think about how every moment, and every moment within that moment is a microcosm of our experience. When we catch ourselves not experiencing life, or dreading something, whatever it may be, something has got to change. This does not mean that life has to be in a constant state of enjoyment. If you are going through pain and suffering, make sure that you are going through this and experiencing it to serve your higher purpose in your life. Dread pulls us out of the experience as well as all other types of thinky emotions. I'm talking to everybody and nobody. God bless all

This is bhekasana




















Me in Viparita virabhadrasana

Tue. September 1, 2009

Hello, goodmorning,

So, this is a place to speak. I'll try to write in it daily, but if I feel myself getting unreal, or pushy with words, I'll have to stop and come back later. I am feeling a bit more balanced this morning. I have been practicing daily and have had some really nice kundalini practices lately. This morning I took a walk along the river with Penelope and then came home to do some kundalini. I did a set that I have many times - Kriya for releasing fear. At the point in the set where fear is supposed to be released, I pretty much lose touch with my surroundings or either they intensify enormously. Yea, I think that's the one. My stomach feels like it's shrinking up into ? Into what, I don't know. I feel like I am purifying the flow of kundalini, and fear, the ego, if present will disrupt this. I don't know much about the practice of kundalini, but I've gotta say, What a trip. Last night, I had a great vinyasa practice in the heat - something I don't do a lot of anymore. It felt great. I went into some really deep back bends and did bhekasana for the first time. I was't expecting it all - I didn't think about it, my body just went into it. I look forward to beginning my class at Go 2 Danz tomorrow at 6:15 pm. Good day