September 2, 2009

I had a rather strange morning. I woke up early and took Penelope for a run around the river, and then I met an old man to meditate. I felt kind of weird about it, but I thought, no, I should not turn away a chance to possibly learn something from someone. I should have trusted my gut. He wanted to meditate by looking into each other's eyes. I did years ago with my ex-boyfriend, but never with anyone else. Anyhow, I decided to give another shot, and immediately, I could tell that he was feeling romantic about it. I kept trying to communicate to him that this was about meditation and nothing more. He did not get it. I am thinking if I ever do this again it will be only with a woman. I feel that feelings of romanticism completely defeat the purpose of meditation - to clear the mind, or at least that is my intention to meditate. I was passing really negative feelings to him and he was not communicating this understanding. I think there is a large difference between a lover and a spiritual companion. A lover can also be a spiritual companion, but it is in a different way than the spiritual companion that is a friend. I'm having a bit of hard time saying this how I am feeling it, or I guess, I'm trying to straighten it out. Anywho, this was a lesson that I needed. Every moment is a gift from the guru.

Last night, I went to my friend's yoga class, and this is a friend that I have shared tons of yoga with; so, we feel the same ways about a lot of things. Everything she said hit the spot. Her theme was self-love. Awhile back I read one of my teacher's books, who, like me, has struggled with self-love in the form of an anacceptance of body image. Anyway, she describes a time in her life during which she asks for self-love. She describes seeing a strong athletic woman fighting like mad to get through a cycling class, and rather than reacting to her how she normally would have - wow, that woman is so toned; I want to look like her. Instead she thought that the woman looked too hard. I just said all of that horribly, and did not give the wonderful author justice. Anyway, what I am getting at is that she sent out a message to the universe, a reflection of herself, and she got it. Her belief about body shapes and sizes began to change. This is not something that can happen by thinking a rationalizing. It's really hard to think positively about our bodies living in the US. The US mind has become so disconnected from the Earth and Universe - God, that we are now over-obsessing about how to be normal again. There comes a point in the collective conscious, like any mind, when it says, I've had it! I feel horrible and I need to make a change. In the US, this is happening in so many ways. Diet pills, weight loss shows, obsession with food, tons of weight loss gimics - we're trying to come back to balance, but we've gotten so out of balance. We need to come back to Earth. Eat seasonal vegetables. We've grown so much corn and soy and processed them in so many ways. We've gotten fat. What about the other vegetables and fruits? Anyway, I went off a huge confusing tangent.

One last thing. Last night in the class, my friend said something that I really connected with. We were in double pigeon, and she said - how do you feel right now? Are you waiting for this to be over, are you dreading this experience? Is this how you view life? Do you dread life? Be in double pigeon - experience it like you want to experience life.
This made me think about how every moment, and every moment within that moment is a microcosm of our experience. When we catch ourselves not experiencing life, or dreading something, whatever it may be, something has got to change. This does not mean that life has to be in a constant state of enjoyment. If you are going through pain and suffering, make sure that you are going through this and experiencing it to serve your higher purpose in your life. Dread pulls us out of the experience as well as all other types of thinky emotions. I'm talking to everybody and nobody. God bless all