Random? ( ), ', & CAPITALIZATIONS

So, I was talking to a beautiful friend today about an experience I had at a meditation workshop several months ago, and I realized something. The term "realized" seems to lose its impact so easily, but acknowledging the nature of reality is a huge deal, even if it is something of the past. We do have a memory. Realizing something of the past can change our perspective on past events even when we have already reacted to them, which has infinite impacts on the reality of the Now. Anyhoo, I could go on rambling there, or here, for an eternity more. I'll get back to the reason why I believe I began writing THIS blog. I was telling my friend about how throughout the workshop we were meditating for periods much longer than I was used to. We would sit for some period of time, God knows I tried to (my ego) figure how long but never could, figure out how long we were sitting, and then we would walk meditating for what felt like about 10 minutes. We alternated between the 2 for 2-3 hours each day of the weekend. Towards the end of the 3? hours, the sits would either feel like an eternity of an approaching bliss (ha ha, my ego just would not die) or an eternity of misery - holy fuck! When is this going to end?! (But what comes after that?). Waiting (I mean, observing) for the bell to ring to conclude our session. One lady left the room and never came back (damn, I wish I had let my ego surrender enough to get the hell out of my mind, I mean, the room). I was telling my friend about how this lady left, and that I feel like everyone in the room felt the same wave of relief - like "Oh, thank God, it was not just me, but I'm so glad that I was actually able to stay in the room (in my thoughts - in my ego). We were/are still confused about the nature of reality - but "hey," says my ego, "at least we were able to stay in the room." So, as I was telling my friend about the difficulties of this experience, it became clear to me that, in a "place" of nothing, there is nothing to grasp on to. I so desperately wanted to know what time it was. How long had I been sitting? Perhaps this would reveal to me a pattern to try and figure out how many more times this repetition of sitting and walking meditation would occur. But, what good would this do for me? For my experience? Even, for my ego? Even if I could just begin to make out the numbers on the timekeeper's watch or the minute hand on the watch of the guy 3 rows in front of me, either way, I don't know what is going to happen next? What if we are here all day!? I think terrified. What if it is a big joke; there is no lecturer - or, he'll come, but it will just be for the last few minutes. You know what - you might as well just forget about it - you do not know when this seat will "end," so, just be here now, expanding with each exhale. When we are feeling confined within the ego - the boundaries of reality (reality has NO boundaries), we grasp onto things -time. If only I knew what time it was, I could create a false reality around what THAT time means to me? I could create a time when it 'ends.' I COULD CREATE A TIME WHEN THIS REALITY ENDS. Oh, thank god, I don't have to be present for reality anymore. Wait, but if I am creating when time ends, then I am playing the part of God. Wake the fuck up! You are alone but do not call the shots. You are living your existence as a co-creation with the divine. When you grasp onto to bullshit - the ego - you are denying your divine potential. It is impossible to align more with the divine with a grasping mentality - how else do we overcome our fears - our habits? Our grasp becomes so tight, that we are forced to loosen it more and more and more . . . What are we holding onto; what is holding onto the other end? The rope makes a circle.