Make the list and then forget about it. . . .

haaaaah, I'm just here. I am going to start, oh, one of these, yes. . . No, 'seriously,' I'm going to start doing the things that I know will make me feel life more. This default setting has got to stop before it becomes an unnoticeable habit. I turn to videos and planning and drinking - when I don't want to confront life - take on the 'issues' that life is presenting to me - those that I am - my 'higher' self is seeking and manifesting in my life. I have a to-do list; I'll start making it now.
1. Make Alex's birthday hat and get him a brown Snuffles. I almost cried today at work thinking about not being able to visit the kids as much. I wanted to seek into myself away from my family - I know that made little sense.
2. Make Dave and Jessica a flower pot and buy rose seeds.
3. Make art - that peice about the roots - and more peices.
4. Practice
5. Get that money back from the phone guy

Oh, haaaah, I just started thinking about bills again. This is a cycle that can also become an unnoticeable habit. When we begin to allow the ego - our fears - our means of escaping reality - to cycle again and again, we become stressed. Stress blinds us. Stress leaves us with little room to experience. Instead, each passing moment - is passing and it is making us more stressed out about the stress that we have - that we are identifying with ourselves. This is not us. This is a means of escapism. We become unhealthy, diseased, only seeking instant pleasures. This hell to me. I'll hike again this weekend. I can't wait to do art. There is a yoga book that I am going to look for too. Good company.

Last night, I may have realized that Keith is done with. Or, some things came up. old things that happened. I'm a little confused about what I remembered. It was very unpleasant. All I can think is, " I can't beleive that he did that to me." But, I did it to me. I think I might be over this and just indulging a bit.
I just got a text from a friend back 'home'. I'm a little releived that i'm not there - getting wasted beyond any sort of clarity. I'm glad I'm not drinking much at all. I was telling one of my friends the other day, one of my favorite friends- that I feel like everything I've been cultivating my entire life, I feel like is now beginning to express itself, or manifest what i am seeking - that which i will never find, but damnit! I know it and long for it. what is life without this longing. I feel like now that i have moved and nobody knows here - there's nothing to hide from - there never was, but it feels easier to feel this now. There's nothing to be scared of. This morning in the car, I heard the U2 song - 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I got choked up. Life is bittersweet. It takes courage to live life in search of something that might not ever be found. Life is the search. This exploration - having the courage to get lost - mind-blown - again and again. Sweet dreams to me. Tomorrow is Halloween at work!